Friday, February 26, 2010

Look Ma - No hands

This just in.  An elderly  resident of the Shady Grove Nursing Home was apprehended late last night as she careened through a quiet suburban neighbourhood on a big candy apple red Harley.  

Police say they noticed what at first glance appeared to be an organ grinder's monkey astride the bike which was weaving dangerously from side to side. The figure often raised its arms in the air  and screamed hoarsely " Look Ma No Hands."

Gentle persons of the press have determined that the rider was an octogenarian named Rose who refused to give her last name. "Just call me Second Hand Rose." she said over her shoulder as police placed her in a squad car.  They were unable to put her arms behind her to handcuff her due to the stiffness of her joints.

This photo of her, caught in the harsh glare of the lights from the squad cars, shows her hat is askew, her pussy missing, her makeup smeared.  Rose informed detectives that she had "borrowed" the keys to a friend's motorcycle and pawned her mink stole for gas money.

A nursing home official says Rose's pussy cat Mojo (AKA Fluffy), has been inconsolable.  They have not yet determined whether her continued presence at the home poses a risk for the other residents. 

"Many of our residents have conditions that could lead to their demise if they have too much fun or excitement. We try to avoid serving spicy food, or encouraging rousing games of Scrabble. We try to keep everything as boring as we can in order to prolong their lives and get more money from the families and the government.

A highlight of their morning is a nice glass of prune juice to wash down their all bran cereal. Afterwards they all gather in the common room where there are several public washrooms. They usually discuss their aches and pains as well as their bowel movements. It promotes a healthy rivalry and gives them something to live for," the nursing home source said.

To date Rose's family members have not responded to repeated messages left on their ipods and answering machines.

Boomer, custodian at "The Grove," as long time residents call it, was not available for comment but sources say he was trying to raise bail money and mumbled that Rose could always come to live with him if the Home
"boots her ass outa here". "  It is rumored that Boomer often refers to the home as Shady GRAVE.

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